“I know he treats me poorly. I see those red flags – I have from day one. But, I stay because I love him, and I know he loves me. I’m simply doing something wrong, that’s why he reacts in anger and is mean. If I had not made this mistake or that mistake, he would love and treat me better. If I had looked prettier, or been older like he wanted, or had been more like any of the other women he ran around with, maybe then he would love me and see me as finally enough for him. Maybe I have to earn his love. I’ll prove to be the best version of what he says he needs, and totally neglect who I am entirely. Yea, that’s a good plan. I will suppress who I am, ignore my desires of my heart, ignore all of those red flags that often repeat themselves, and give him a second, fourth, fiftieth chance. Maybe then, he will finally open his eyes and see that the woman in front of him is totally devoted, submissive, and the perfect woman for him.
But… wait… who is this woman anyway? I don’t recognize her at all. Where is that spark I use to have? That zest for life? I use to love getting dressed up (or dressed at all) and going out. I use to love to take pictures and be in pictures taken. What is this heavy shame I feel for wanting to look pretty? What is this guilt that cuts down any idea of going to the gym? ‘Why bother’ the all too familiar and haunting voices of five years echo in my head. I’m already too fat, not pretty enough, too self-absorbed and a terrible person for wanting to be happy. All those carefully selected pieces in my closet yearning to be worn will just have to wait. I suddenly don’t feel like going out anymore. I know I won’t look pretty in any of them.
Maybe I should just grab that worn out hoodie that he always liked and said looked cute. The one that completely covers me. While I’m at it, I’ll just slip on some yoga pants, because I don’t have the energy to put into dressing up anymore. There it is. There’s my go-to outfit I’m more familiar with.
Better yet, I’ll just stay in again today. I can always do that stuff later. Closing my blinds and crawling back into bed sounds like a more comforting place for me. At least if I’m asleep, I don’t have to worry about how I look, if I’m too fat or too skinny, or too young or too old. If I’m asleep, there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have a good dream. Not one that leaves me waking up very slowly again, afraid it might be real. As I pull the covers over my head, I whisper to myself, ‘Who is this shell shock of a human? I don’t recognize her. And I certainly do not want to be her anymore’.”
The excerpt above is a small glimpse into my past relationship, and sadly a constant battle that roared in my mind for years. While I’m not clear from the storm just yet, I’m healing and rediscovering who I am, who I want to be, and celebrate that woman with all of her scars, bruises, and pain. To put it simply, I am not defeated. I am a woman with purpose, a woman with an ancient-old divine plan, and I am just now getting started.
What is a Narcissist?
According to Webster, a Narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves. According to Urban Dictionary, a Narcissist can be defined as the following and my personal favorite:
Someone who has little to no empathy, manipulates others, gaslights (makes others doubt their reality), lies incessantly, believes their own lies. They make you doubt your emotions and then call You Crazy. They rage for absolutely no reason and you end up apologizing. It can be a parent, friend, brother, sister, boss, spouse. In the beginning they love bomb you into believing they are prince/princess charming. Then they slowly start to abuse you to have you believe you are insane. It’s all to control you. They will isolate you from your family and friends. You will leave the relationship someone you weren’t. You will appear confused, unable to make your own decisions, depressed, anxious and with complex PTSD. So, RUN FAR AWAY RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is NOT someone who takes selfies.
Note the number of exclamation points. I didn’t add those – Urban Dictionary did.
Characteristics of a Narcissist
- Grandiose sense of self-importance
- Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur
- Needs constant praise and admiration
- Sense of entitlement
- Exploits others without guilt or shame
- Frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others
Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
It was one of the many traits that attracted me to him at the time. The fact that he had a story to “one-up” anybody in the room was fascinating to me. “Oh, you own a coffee shop? Yea, I had my coffee shop where we served food and had local artists play, and parties. It was in the perfect spot”, he would say. When the crowds left, I heard of the horrors of that shop. But when in the lime light, it was a trophy for him to boast about. Now, while there’s nothing wrong with having successes like a shop or business, I grew to realize how tacky it became to constantly boast about it in public gatherings.
It wasn’t just the shop either. “Oh, you ski? Yea that’s cute. I have skied all my life and use to be sponsored by this great company, so.. yea..” And then God-forbid someone would mention anything having to do with the cold weather, or snow, or Canada, because that was his favorite “one-up” to bring up every time. You see, his ex wife was Canadian. He lived there for a time. Even after countless times of me embarrassingly requesting him to not mention it to people because it hurt me that he was bringing up a painful time in his life (one that he would use against me, mind you), he would laugh it off and continue doing as he always had done anytime he got the chance.
It got to the point where I could have stood in for him and recited verbatim every word of response he would say to questions or comments because he replied the same rehearsed lines over and over and over again.
Lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur
While this point refers to a number of subjects such as wealth, power, health, etc, I am more focusing on what was apparent in my experience – the idea of perfect love. Since he lived in a fantasy world where all outside opinions and proven patterns were too important to him, he believed I was his perfect love. When reminded of the past fall outs on his part, his response was always “It’s the past – let it go” like that was the get out of jail free card for relationships. He could not carry the weight or understand the intensity of what it was like to be told to dismiss my feelings and pain and anger for years, and to move forward toward a much seemingly brighter future, which would of course prove to be stuck in the same pattern. While we did enjoy time together a percentage of the time, it was always predicted to be cut off again by anger, rage, belittling, and betrayal.
Just like a perfect circle, I could predict where our relationship was going to go next. At the top, happiness and bliss. Somewhere along the right side of the circle, something would happen resulting in pain, sadness, and arguing. The bottom of the circle would result in not speaking and distancing each other, which was mainly on my part. The last area toward the left of the circle, was the give in and make up area. Then, the circle would continue on to the happy blissful times and continue to repeat itself – for 5 years.
When we would hit that area on the circle between the distancing and make up part, suddenly, and almost instantaneously, I was his perfect love again. Nothing he said or did was relevant (if it even existed in his mind) and he would grovel with the “I’m sorry’s” and the “I need you’s” which of course was followed by a scarily amount of messages, sometimes ranging to 48 missed calls within a two day span.
Because I missed his attention (that I thought I needed so desperately), and his company (that I thought was a safe place for me), I would give in and forgive and start the cycle all over again.
Needs constant praise and admiration
Typically, Narcissists pair with a submissive partner who will continue to fill up their cup until it overflows, not knowing that all of their give will only be taken and not reciprocated until eventually, you realize there’s nothing in your cup, and you have so little self-worth that the only “worth” you think you have is continuing to fill up his cup with the hopes that you might, just maybe, get a measly worn out compliment that’ll at least make the pain hurt a little less. Or so I thought.
An article on helpguide.org says it best with, “A narcissist’s sense of superiority is like a balloon that gradually loses air without a steady stream of applause and recognition to keep it inflated. The occasional compliment is not enough. Narcissists need constant food for their ego, so they surround themselves with people who are willing to cater to their obsessive craving for affirmation. These relationships are very one-sided. It’s all about what the admirer can do for the narcissist, never the other way around. And if there is ever an interruption or diminishment in the admirer’s attention and praise, the narcissist treats it as a betrayal.”
A monumental reason why I lost so much self-esteem, was because I was reprimanded for any sort of light being shown on myself instead of him. If I posted a picture online, hell broke loose. How dare I post a picture of myself to the world? I’m so self-centered. I’m so full of myself. I’m such a terrible person. Oh, but I have permission to post a picture of the two of us on my own page? Gee, thanks. I’ll pass.
His own constant need for admiration, “respect” as he called it, and credit for anything involving me was poisonous to my mind and body, paralyzing my thoughts and motor skills to think very long about all the scenarios possible with each move before I moved to see which would be the lesser painful option – because any option I chose would bring on anger from someone who thought I was taking away light from them.
Sense of Entitlement
While in my specific experience, I didn’t witness this in him, this is a very common trait for Narcissists. If your partner expects you to not only know what he/she wants ahead of time but also comply to every wish/demand given, then that’s a tell tale sign of someone who is very entitled.
Exploits Others Without Guilt or Shame
Here’s a topic I’m very familiar with. Narcissists never develop that sense to feel what others feel. They lack empathy. Sure, they will put on a good show. Maybe even shed a tear or two. But, genuinely, they have no empathy because to them, people are objects to be used to get ahead. Now, I can already hear his voice freaking out at me writing that line. You see, that was one of his many attacks on me. That I used him to get ahead in life.
Using someone, and learning from someone are two totally different things.
I learned how to be better at my job, how to travel more efficiently, and exactly what to never settle for in a relationship all from him. I never once used him for sheer pleasure of getting ahead. I could have severely tainted his name and reputation many times, but kept my mouth shut, because that’s the difference between him and I. I don’t need to tear others down using the wrongs they did to feel better about myself. He will do that to himself, if not karma one day.
I can’t count how many times he would use every situation to get ahead – some for business, some for personal. With him, there was always an angle. In the beginning, I admired his way to multitask as I thought it was. After some time, I realized that wasn’t multitasking. It was dishonesty to put himself in a better light and come out ahead. Some folks would applaud that as a strategic business move. I didn’t.
Frequently Demeans, Intimidates, Bullies, or Belittles Others
Ultimately, this is the point that helped me make my decision to walk away. Even as I’m beginning this paragraph, my palms are sweating from nervousness reminiscing the last 5 years and all that occurred in the time frame. Narcissists are drawn to people who have something they don’t whether it be popularity or success in an area the Narcissist is not strong in. The psyche website helpguide.org said it best with, “The only way to neutralize the threat and prop up their own sagging ego is to put those people down. They may do it in a patronizing or dismissive way as if to demonstrate how little the other person means to them. Or they may go on the attack with insults, name-calling, bullying and threats to force the other person back into line.”
You see, in my case, he took the dismissive route to make it extremely clear to me how little I meant to him and how disposable I was to him. He changed through outside distractions (mainly women) like an ice cream shop changes the flavor of the week. It was a constant rotation of lies and guilt trips to make me feel like it was MY fault for him running around.
Constantly being compared to his ex and how I was either just like her (and keep in mind she was a horrid person from his stories) or, that he would prefer his ex over me because I did something so horrible, he couldn’t get past it. Threats of leaving me, cheating on me whether physically or emotionally as he did many times, kicking me out of his condo as he did many times, and holding me hostage in his condo because he wanted to “calmly talk” as he held my phone and key for ransom was among the many lovely moments I shared with him.
It wasn’t until deeper into our relationship that the stronger threats arisen. I thought despite all the crazy moments that I thought could ever happen, that there were certain lines that wouldn’t be crossed. I was wrong. It took an extreme wake up call for me to finally realize that it was my time to walk away, head held high. I had endured verbal, emotional, and mental abuse for 5 long and painful years. To say that I also experienced physical abuse and was able to walk away, held held high, is a miracle to say the least.
Don’t get me wrong, even after all of that, I still get sad and lonely. But having my list of reasons why I felt the way I did when I was hurting, and a hauntingly chilling video of myself recorded by myself after the last incident to remind me never to go back, NO MATTER WHAT helps me refocus on the bigger picture and keep to my course.
All this to say, forgive him/her, forgive yourself, and step into the best life that awaits for you.
If you have experienced a narcissist in your lifetime, chances are you either didn’t know until it was too late, or sadly, you are unaware of who exactly you are dealing with. While every situation is unique, I hope that sharing my experiences will encourage young women (and men) to recognize what they are involved with and educate them to make a healthier choice for themselves. You are a unique creature to this life. Use your skills, desires, and unique attributes that only you have to make a positive difference in this world.
