At what point do you lift up your head, open up your mind to the reality that surrounds you, and outwardly voice to yourself, “enough is enough?” For me, that point came 5 years and 5 months later, and at the lowest point my relationship had seen since its inception.
Looking back at the initial attraction, I was drawn in by how outgoing, connected, spontaneous, and excessively giving he was. Everyone seemed to know him, and vice versa. I fell in love quickly, and hard. Rookie move. Within the first 4 months, I quickly realized what I was dealing with. The first 3 years came and went, and it was even more evident to my own self what I was dealing with and with what I was choosing to stay committed to. But, why? If I loved this person as much as I did, and I didn’t receive the same love and commitment in return, why stay?
Countless moments of infidelity brought to light, and countless arguments over lying to me, neglecting me and our relationship, and dismissing any responsibility for any accusations of wrong-doing brought to his attention filled those difficult and lengthy 3 years. Nothing that he did, he took responsibility for. Therefore, anything I brought to light or an issue I expressed concern over, would be dismissed at best, but more times than not, denied and brushed off like I was going crazy for even thinking it happened. What I didn’t realize was that I was falling prey to a proven practice of a school-book narcissist: gaslighting.
Gaslighting was a word that simply was not in my vocabulary. I cannot describe it better than how Urban Dictionary described it seen below.
Gaslighting
A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called ambient abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity. The classic example of gaslighting is to switch something around on someone that you know they’re sure to notice, but then deny knowing anything about it, and to explain that they “must be imagining things” when they challenge these changes.
By the end of the 5 plus years in this relationship, I finally got what I wanted – or so I thought. He finally said all the things I needed to hear. He finally did “most” of the things I needed and wanted in my relationship. He finally saw me as the only one for him and tried to prove that with an engagement ring many times. But, this once quiet and steady inner voice grew to a very loud, raging inner voice cautioning me that this was no longer the path I needed to be on.
As the voice got louder, my skin got thicker, and my nerves nearly diminished, I knew it was finally time to step out of the messy, dark, and suppressive past mindset I had been in for years, and step into the beautiful, freeing, and empowering future mindset I had only dreamt of. It was finally time to breathe this dream into life, one courageous step at a time.
Stop All Communication – ALL
Seriously. All communication. Stop it. Block the number. Block the email addresses – all. Block on social media. Just stop talking to him/her. This is a tactic all narcissists use – trying to woo you back into their presence by every heart felt “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “You’re my everything and I can’t live without you.” Every single time I would gain enough strength and courage to break off from the relationship, I would soon receive some sort of communication, and just like clock work, would eventually go back to the same madness I prayed to be delivered from.
I simply could not say no. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want him to be sad. After all, he sounded so sad in his messages he sent me. Maybe now he finally believed what he was saying! Maybe I was finally enough for him! Little did I know, this communication tactic was delicately planned, rehearsed, and executed, and simply part of the endless cycle that was our relationship.
Cutting off all communications is going to cause an even more powerful need for the narcissist to communicate with you – and maybe even family members and friends in hopes to get in touch with you. Be prepared ahead of time and guard yourself from communications from the narcissist.
No Lingering Goodbyes
When you’re ready to embrace the beautiful life you were meant to step into, a quick conversation is sufficient for a relationship with a narcissist. While over the phone isn’t the preferred for normal relationships, sometimes (at least in my case), I was stronger to express my wishes of ending the relationship over the phone. Once you have that talk, block him/her. Absolutely no contact, remember? If you give in even an ounce, it’ll give the narcissist a chance to “hoover” you back in to their presence which is an area they’re absolute experts in. Don’t allow them to have that chance.
This breakup is going to be one of the most difficult parts of your life that you’ll ever have to go through – but you WILL make it through. If you have items at his/her place, as long as they’re not sentimental, count them as a small loss for the freedom and life you just gained for yourself and walk away.
Be Honest With Common Friends
Something that I didn’t know would be difficult for me until it happened was mutual friends. They all meant well, but after having so many reach out to me updating me on his life that I intentionally blocked out (remember the very first step!!), the reality became very overwhelming. It put my mind in a dark place, similar to how it was while in the relationship. I was being reminded of how smoothly and cooly he could lie and paint a picture of victim and sainthood, when behind closed doors, and far away from facades, I knew a completely different person. Simply being honest with those friends requesting to not be updated on his life was all it took for my wishes to be respected, and my mind to be given the chance to fully heal without distractions.
Remember Why You Left
This is a big one. For me personally, I have notes saved on my phone, and, judge me or not, but a video of myself saved after one of the last arguments we had. I was crying, and not the cute cry, but the full on Kim Kardashian losing her diamond earring in the ocean crying. It’s not a pretty site. But, the looks are only part of the reminder for me. It’s what I said to myself that sticks with me. In my time of the most pain, the most hurt, I told myself to remember this moment. I told myself that no matter what, no matter how nicely he talks to you, how many times he apologizes, how much you will miss him (because you will), NO MATTER WHAT, do NOT go back. I even asked myself politely. “Please, do not go back.”
Not much else could come to mind in that minute and fourteen second video, but it’s enough for me to remind myself of the pain and anguish I experienced in that relationship. Whatever it takes for you, whether writing notes or recording a video, make sure to notate why you left. That “why” is going to be your best weapon against your own thoughts when you start to feel sad. Stay strong and remember your “why”.
He/She Will Move On Eventually
Maybe reading that title makes you hopeful, maybe sad. For me, its mixed. For the entire relationship, I was trying to prove myself to be the perfect person for him. I was driven by the fact that I had been cheated on so many times with so many different types of women, that I was going to be the perfect combination of all of them to finally be someone he wanted. The idea of him moving on to someone else nearly nauseated me with anger and grief. I lost myself in the midst of all that.
When the relationship ended, the idea that he would move on soon gave me hope. The sooner he moved on, the sooner he would stop attempting to reach out to me, or display embarrassing messages full of lies. The sooner he moved on, the sooner I could write these articles on narcissism and it would hopefully reach more women within and outside my social circle who could be empowered knowing they’re not alone in their struggle and spread the message to their friends.
The narcissist will move on. That’s a truth you need to accept. The timing is different for everyone, but it will happen. Narcissists need an enabler around to show them praise, an excessive amount of admiration and acknowledgment, give attention, and, in simpler terms, to have a new shiny toy to get their kicks from. It’s not personal. It’s just how narcissists operate.
Give Yourself Compassion
Relationships are hard. Breakups are even harder. Narcissist breakups are gut-wrenching and bring along the false fear of never ending. Trust me, sister, it will. You are never given anything in this life that you cannot overcome. This is a tough time for you, so go easy on yourself. Grief can take an unpredictable amount of time. You’re not only losing the person you were in a relationship with, but you’re losing the person you thought he/she was. That well rehearsed facade that you fell in love with is no longer there.
In my case, I was in the relationship long enough to create not only a mental and physical bond, but an emotional one. I believe the longer I would’ve stayed, I would have experienced a deeper emotional deterioration. At whatever time mark you finally step away from a narcissist relationship, be proud of yourself first and foremost, but be thankful that you got out of the situation when you did before you experienced even more emotional deterioration.
Get Busy, Busy Bee
It’s time to get busy and keep yourself busy. I don’t advise you to do this excessively to the point where you ignore what your mind and body needs as far as healing and grieving. Still offer grace and compassion to yourself. You’ve had it rough for a long time. What you should do is find a new hobby or interest to be a part of. Take up a new exercise routine that’s either solo or that puts you around likeminded people in a class. Explore your interests and see if there are classes that are offered nearby in those categories. Rediscover what sets your soul on fire. During the entire relationship with the narcissist, your needs and desires were pushed aside. There was, after all, no room for anyone’s needs or desires apart from his/hers.
What did you use to do before you met him/her? Is there an interest you developed during your relationship but were either too afraid of judgement from him/her or not able to pursue it for another reason? Check it out now! You are a new person with a brand new chapter in your life book. What would you like to look back on and read about yourself? Did you randomly take up salsa dancing lessons even with two left feet? Did you finally pursue that backpacking trip through Europe you’ve always wanted to do? How about picking up a language you want to learn just for the simple reason of learning? The possibilities are endless for you!
Take a piece of paper and write down every single interesting thing that comes to mind. Don’t even think about it, just write! Axe throwing? Cool! Sky diving? Okay! Professional snake milker? Uhm.. thinking outside the box, but okay! Let’s rock it out!
We are on the pursuit to find what sets your soul on fire. It only takes a spark. Give yourself that gift of life. The future you will thank you.
Last step, and one of the most important ones. Look in the mirror, give yourself a smile, and repeat after me. “I am proud of you. You are beautiful. You are special. You are fearless. Together, we are going to create a beautiful life. Together, we are going to step into our destiny like the courageous self we are. You got this. Keep pushing forward. I love you.”
Now, let’s go celebrate and go get tacos.
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